WASHINGTON — Hunter Biden helped Democrats achieve long-awaited CLARITY on cryptocurrency ethics this week by launching $LAPTOP, a politically branded memecoin that collapsed 98% in under an hour, proving that monetizing your family’s political celebrity through internet casino chips is unethical only when Donald Trump does it.
Biden had previously called $TRUMP a “grift,” then unveiled his morally superior alternative with 30% of supply allocated to founders, including himself.
Fortunately, there was no obvious financial incentive.
In December, Biden said he was roughly $15 million in debt and had “no idea” how he would pay it off, establishing the crucial ethical distinction between launching a memecoin to get richer and launching one because holy shit you could really use the money.
“These situations are completely different,” explained one Democratic ethics expert. “Trump monetizes political celebrity while holding public office. Hunter monetizes political celebrity while holding approximately $15 million in liabilities.”
Democrats have meanwhile threatened the CLARITY Act over provisions they say inadequately prevent Trump from profiting from crypto while president—a legitimate conflict Hunter avoids through America’s most rigorous regulatory safeguard: having absolutely no government job.
Or no discernible employment whatsoever.
In fairness, Biden did improve Trump’s product. $TRUMP took roughly 16 months to fall 97% from its peak. $LAPTOP delivered 98% in under an hour.
Democratic ethics experts praised the innovation, explaining that separating retail investors from substantially all their money becomes considerably less predatory when done efficiently.
$LAPTOP even reserved tokens partly for people who lost money on $TRUMP, allowing victims of one political memecoin to recover by experiencing 16 months of Trump-related losses again before lunch.
Washington has finally achieved CLARITY.
The problem was never the grift.
It was who got to run it.
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