Business & Corporate Satire | The Daily Debasement

Crypto Wallet Maker Ledger Introduces 'Frictionless Robbery', An Innovative New Feature Eliminating the Tedious Need for Customers to Fall for Scams

PARIS — After years of forcing cryptocurrency investors to lose their life savings through phishing emails, fraudulent exchanges, malicious links, and suspicious phone calls, crypto wallet maker Ledger has unveiled a

Oct 14 2026

Crypto Wallet Maker Ledger Introduces 'Frictionless Robbery', An Innovative New Feature Eliminating the Tedious Need for Customers to Fall for Scams

Tesla Forced to Rename 'Full Self-Driving' in Europe Because It Doesn't Fully Drive Itself, America Still Working Through the Semantics

BERLIN — Tesla has agreed to rename its “Full Self-Driving” technology to “Tesla Assisted Driving” across its European websites after regulators made the extraordinary discovery that words have meanings. European

Oct 13 2026

Tesla Forced to Rename 'Full Self-Driving' in Europe Because It Doesn't Fully Drive Itself, America Still Working Through the Semantics

Amazon Celebrates Prime Big Deal Days by Offering Employees 100% Off Their Jobs

SEATTLE — Amazon marked Prime Big Deal Days this week by unveiling one of its steepest discounts yet: 100% off employment for hundreds of corporate workers. The company confirmed a fresh

Oct 09 2026

Amazon Celebrates Prime Big Deal Days by Offering Employees 100% Off Their Jobs

HSBC Cuts 70% of Wealth Advisers After Discovering AI Can Also Say ‘Diversify’

LONDON — HSBC plans to eliminate up to 70% of its UK financial-adviser positions after discovering that artificial intelligence is also capable of saying the word “diversify,” potentially ending centuries

Oct 07 2026

HSBC Cuts 70% of Wealth Advisers After Discovering AI Can Also Say ‘Diversify’

McDonald’s Unveils Bold New Growth Strategy: Sell More Hamburgers

CHICAGO — McDonald’s has unveiled McDonald’s > NEXT, an ambitious new growth strategy built around a revolutionary concept that had somehow eluded the hamburger company for 71 years: getting

Sep 30 2026

McDonald’s Unveils Bold New Growth Strategy: Sell More Hamburgers

HSBC Bankers Discover ‘Financial Discipline’ Wasn’t Just for Poorer People

HONG KONG — HSBC announced another round of aggressive cost controls this week, forcing some Hong Kong bankers to endure an unfamiliar financial hardship: paying to join their own private clubs.

Sep 29 2026

HSBC Bankers Discover ‘Financial Discipline’ Wasn’t Just for Poorer People

Major Automakers Ask Congress to Protect Free Market by Permanently Banning the Competition

WASHINGTON — America’s largest automakers are urging Congress to protect the nation’s proud tradition of free-market capitalism by ensuring Chinese automakers never get the opportunity to participate in

Sep 10 2026

Major Automakers Ask Congress to Protect Free Market by Permanently Banning the Competition

Consultants Help Companies Replace Consultants With AI, Describe Addressable Market as Enormous

BUSINESS — Companies are increasingly using artificial intelligence to bring technology work in-house, reduce consulting bills and generally discover that paying thousands of people to make PowerPoints about software may

Sep 08 2026

Consultants Help Companies Replace Consultants With AI, Describe Addressable Market as Enormous

Meta To Protect Children’s Privacy by Collecting Enough Data to Prove They’re Children

MENLO PARK, CA — Meta will strengthen privacy protections for children on Facebook and Instagram by first figuring out which users are children, a process expected to require the company to

Sep 07 2026

Meta To Protect Children’s Privacy by Collecting Enough Data to Prove They’re Children

Revolut Disrupts American Banking by Becoming an American Bank

Fintech giant Revolut has received conditional approval for a U.S. national bank charter, advancing the financial technology industry’s long-running effort to replace banks by eventually becoming one.

Sep 06 2026

Revolut Disrupts American Banking by Becoming an American Bank

Opinion: Only AMC Should Be Allowed to Dilute AMC Shareholders

By Adam Ahron, CEO of AMC Entertainment I have been disturbed to learn that Robinhood is offering tokenized exposure to AMC without our authorization. Let me be clear: I am

Sep 05 2026

Opinion: Only AMC Should Be Allowed to Dilute AMC Shareholders

Wall Street Announces Crypto Is Safe Now That 21 Banks Will Be in Charge of It

NEW YORK — Twenty-one major financial institutions including Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, Citi and Deutsche Bank announced plans to launch a U.S. dollar stablecoin, confirming that privately issued

Sep 04 2026

Wall Street Announces Crypto Is Safe Now That 21 Banks Will Be in Charge of It