WASHINGTON - Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that mysterious glowing orbs reported across the northeastern United States were most likely extraterrestrial Bitcoin full nodes attempting to synchronize with Earth after a severe 40-light-year latency problem.
The conclusion follows the release of 72 previously classified files describing brilliant red and white spheres, including one object with what witnesses called a "white plasma sun" at its center and others appearing to move in formation.
According to an addendum accidentally left unredacted, the objects first arrived during the 2017 bull market but refused to transact until receiving six confirmations, a process complicated by packets taking decades to cross interstellar space.
"Their monetary technology appears extremely advanced," said a Pentagon analyst. "Their networking technology is unusable."
Investigators recovered no weapons, propulsion systems or evidence of hostile intent. They did find a titanium plate etched with 24 words and a handwritten note reading DO NOT STORE PHOTOGRAPH IN ICLOUD.
Bitcoin developers reacted calmly, opening a 4,700-comment debate over whether extraterrestrial nodes should count toward decentralization if they cannot receive a new block until after everyone currently alive is dead.
NASA has begun transmitting compact block filters toward the visitors. Estimated sync completion: 2186.
The aliens reportedly left after learning Earth still taxes every coffee purchase as a capital gain.
Inspired by:
Reuters - "New Pentagon UFO file reveals glowing orbs in US Northeast" (June 12, 2026)
