OMAHA, Neb. — Warren Buffett reassured millions of financially struggling Americans this week that they are actually enjoying an extraordinary level of wealth after researchers confirmed that John D. Rockefeller never once owned an iPhone, ordered Thai food through an app, or watched The Sopranos in 4K.
“People say they’re struggling, but Rockefeller was the richest man alive and the guy couldn’t even get same-day delivery,” Buffett said. “Think about that.”
The Berkshire Hathaway chairman noted that even Americans living paycheck to paycheck now enjoy conveniences unavailable to history’s wealthiest industrialists, including antibiotics, air conditioning, commercial aviation, streaming pornography, and the ability to check the balance of an overdrawn bank account from anywhere in the world.
Economists said the revelation could fundamentally change how poverty is measured.
“Traditionally, we looked at things like income, housing costs, food insecurity, debt, and purchasing power,” said economist Daniel Mercer. “But once you account for the fact that Cornelius Vanderbilt never had Spotify, basically everyone is doing fantastic.”
Researchers added that Rockefeller, despite possessing the inflation-adjusted equivalent of hundreds of billions of dollars, was routinely forced to endure hardships unimaginable to modern Americans, including waiting several days for correspondence, owning no microwave, and being completely unable to summon a stranger in a Toyota Camry by tapping a rectangle.
At press time, a 26-year-old living with three roommates said he felt significantly better about never being able to afford a house after learning that Louis XIV didn't have central air.
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